Westgate Travails or “Why isn’t anybody listening?”

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They have switched the cleaning schedule for our building lobby to the early evening hours.  Those are the hours during which I retrieve mail and packages or exit the main entrance to take an evening walk.  I had a rather severe reaction last night to the cleaning chemicals.  I am better this morning.  I did a full retraining, but the flood of memories of more perilous times came roaring back.  I felt the helplessness, the hopelessness all over again.

It seems I always want to change people.  I am reminded of an episode in an office where I once worked.  It was a small office in a converted Victorian house.  There were ants all over the front stoop.  (Which by the way was seldom used).  I had what I thought was a very respectful and informative meeting with the office manager. I was armed with pamphlets about the uses of harmful insecticides and their effects on even the non-reactive humans.  I thought she was listening rather attentively.     At the end of the meeting her only comment was “I just need to kill the ants”.  And the pest control people were dispatched that very afternoon.

I don’t know that you can change people’s minds.  When you are in recovery from anything, really, there is a feeling of constantly having to let go.  When can I just be heard?  Isn’t anybody listening?

What poison today?

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I had intended to write about some of my history of chemical injury, but today brought one of those days when I just felt like I had been poisoned.  The symptoms are so hard to describe.  Only another chemically injured person would really understand.  The bare bones of it is that you feel like your body is disintegrating.  You just feel like you are disappearing.  Picture a bug that has been sprayed with insecticide and you can get an idea of what I feel like on a day like today.  I spent the day in my car as that is the only place that feels safe.  I seem to be able to do things that are routine such as driving, but not anything that requires too much brain power.  I would not have driven a distance on a crowded freeway.

The only thing to do is to wait until my body is able to process whatever it is that I have encountered.

Stay tuned for more more of my history and coming soon will be a series of posts about the beginning of it all.

Thank you for visiting!